”Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted.” Albert Einstein
A friend of mine posted this quote, as I was inputting my eaten food into MyFitnessPal. It kinda struck a cord with my obsessive calories in and out tracking, and the amount of unhappiness and distress it has caused me for the last 20 years.
Since the age of 12, I have been bingeing and purging, calorie and exercise wise. For the last 6 years, I have maintained a 50 pound weight loss, but it has not been easy. At the end of the day, I miss being a size 0; the higher my size is, the more of a failure I feel. While I remember what I had to do to be a size 0, and realize how unhealthy it was, I still miss it the feeling of putting on a pair of pants in size 0, and realizing they fit. While I was in control of some things, some things were out of control.
Travelling across the world for 3 months, and being exposed to different lifestyles and meeting other people helped me to realize that there are more important things in life than being a size 0. My obsession with food, to maintain my weight and to indulge has been quite excessive to say the least. While some people starve, I have been analyzing, discriminating, and entering data bout each morsel of food that enters my mouth. In some cases, I have declined social activities with my spouse and friends to avoid consuming extra calories.
Most recently, J. and I decided to go do the Grouse Grind on a nice sunny day. Instead of leaving him behind, to race up to the to in less than 60 minutes, I slowed down and stayed with him for the entire climb. It was my 2nd slowest time, and probably the easiest due to the pace, but it wasn’t worth getting to the top alone since the goal was for us to spend quality time together.
While I am about 6 pounds heavier now, than when I was a size 0, I understand that working out 2 hours per day and starving myself was unhealthy, just like bingeing on junk food and being inactive as a size 12 was also unhealthy. I’ll do my best to enjoy being my current size, which is definitely not a zero, and not base my happiness and how my day will go on how my size 2 skinny jeans feel when I try them on daily. I also try to give myself a break an not always workout until I have burned at least 500 calories. A
If I know how all of this is silly, why is it so hard to move on?